About Food

Dear Unconditional Love - What would you have me know today about food?

Oh, honey. I’m here. This is so hard. Not because you have done, or are doing, anything wrong. No, quite the opposite actually. 

I know you’re worried about your food because you care. You care so much about fitting in and being liked. You’ve been through so many tough seasons not fitting in. It makes sense you’re worried about food in the way you used to be. 

“I will just shrink myself smaller,” you thought. So that you could fit into any space or any shape or any group you wanted to. It’s true, people are more accepting of those who fit into a certain manufactured mold of a body. You did everything you had to do to fit that mold so that you could be worthy of love. I was there with you then, but the whispers of mine were drowned out by the ego mind. That’s not your fault, and your ego mind is not bad. Your ego mind is there to protect you.

I know you wonder the same thing about me. Am I there to protect you? No, my love. I’m here to be with you. That’s all. Everything you walk through on this Earthside School is meant for you. There is no protecting you from it. It’s enticing to believe that your ego can protect you from hard feelings and hard realities. But hard feelings and realities are meant for feeling and being. 

You went through so many hard times with food. You don’t trust it. You hate it. You love it. It feels like the embodiment of TTAT. Isn’t that interesting that we talked yesterday about YOU being the embodiment of Two Things are True? 

Hmm. Wow. How comforting, how terrifying. Is it possible that you and food are both nuanced beings? I think it is. But I also know it’s possible that you both are beautiful gorgeous sources of nourishment for yourselves and for the world. How could that be anything but glorious?

Well, because, there is also the other side of that coin that is so dark that it makes you feel that icky non-guilt shit. “Other people don’t have food like I do. I should be grateful. I should be eating what I want when I want to.” 

That’s true, you can feel gratitude and eat what you want. But then it gets even more complicated, right? Because if you do that, you might not be as small anymore. You might not fit into every crack and crevice of the groups considered “cool”, which feels scary. 

I know you’ve discovered recently that who gives a fuck about those cool groups anymore. Those groups you never wanted to be part of in the first place but felt you had to. But, honey, it’s normal to want to belong. It’s on the hierarchy of needs for a reason.

I’m here to reassure you that no matter what food you eat or don’t eat, you belong. You belong to me, we belong to each other, you belong to yourself, to your family, to your chosen friends as family. You. Belong. To. This. Earth. You are meant to be here, meant to be taking up space. You’re not meant to be shrinking back into the small crevices to make other people feel better about your palette-ability. That’s not your job, it never has been.

It makes sense that it felt that way for a while for your survival, but you don’t have to do that anymore. Those whispers come back because there’s trauma there, there’s loneliness - which is what trauma is. I’m here to reassure you that you are not alone now. It is 2024 and you are surrounded by people who love you not for the smallness of your body shell, not at all. 

Now I know you hate this, but it’s true. Your body, your physical looks are the LEAST fucking interesting thing about you. I threw that F word in there to make sure you’re listening. Do you hear me, babe? 

I’m here reminding you only of the truth. You are truth, you are love, you are a body. There’s no one body to be. Only yours. It is not your job to go back to the shape and form you were before. There’s no bouncing back bullshit to be had here. Only love. 

Be here. Be with this body. Be with this food you have and food you want. Keep going babe. Stop devising plans to change and “if only I do FGD I’ll get it right” - which we both know means some kind of disordered process to change in a way that isn’t honoring who you are.

Change is ok, my love. Change to fit into a socially acceptable mold is not. You saw what it did to you. I did too. We’re not there anymore. You fit here, you are here. Stay here, babe. I’m not going anywhere, no one is going to leave you for the way you look now. Remind yourself, most importantly, that you are never going to lose YOU (or me). We’ll both be riding this shit until the wheels fall off. I love you.

You fit here, you are here. Stay here, babe. You are (pink) light.