Your Body is Meant to Be

Dear Unconditional Love - What would you have me know today about my body?

Oh, love. I know you’re struggling today. You’re trying to take my message to you from yesterday and do it right. I’m sorry if my urging you to not change into a socially acceptable mold felt like too much pressure. I can see why you would feel that way. You’ve always wanted to follow your soul’s instructions. And now you’re trying to follow my instructions and struggling to listen to your own knowing.

I want you to remember that I am not your Knowing. Only you know your Knowing. I can remind you of things you already know, but I am not here to tell you things you don’t know.

I love that we have this reciprocal relationship where you can tell me how what I’m sharing makes you feel. You are safe to do that here, always. You haven’t always been safe to do that, I know. I’m so sorry that it has felt so hard. It can feel much easier to hear something, turn your body around and then be a good soldier to follow the instructions you were given from a trusted source.

I’m here to be a trusted source AND to remind you to check in with yourself before you march off to do anything. I don’t have any marching orders for you. It was too much of me to say “XOV is not ok” and I’m sorry about that. It’s ok to come here to share with me that something I brought to you didn’t feel right. I’m always here for that. 

Now, I know the conversation about food yesterday has you spinning about your body. I told you not to change it but now you’re trying so hard not to want to change it. I can see that. 

Let me rephrase what I shared with you. Changing is ok, my love, that’s true. When I said that “change to fit into a socially acceptable mold is not ok,” I meant that it doesn’t feel right for me to support you in wanting to change only because you feel pressured to by anything other than your own knowing. 

It can be tricky to distinguish, I understand. Especially if you’ve gone through what you have watching other people compliment your progress, your physique, etc. Doesn’t that mean you’re doing something right? But gosh it was never enough for you. 

The “you’re withering away into nothing” comment from your MIL really hurt you not because it wasn’t true, but because you felt that deep down and weren’t ready to feel it too. She didn’t say it with compassion either, she said it with judgment, envy, nothing kind.

Had you asked me during that time, I would’ve said this: 

“Oh, my love. I’m here. I see you. I see your bodily vessel shrinking down and I know you see it too. I want you to know that it’s not true what society is making you believe. You do not become more worthy of love the smaller you get. You’re doing this now because of all the messages your parents gave to you. You saw them talk negatively about their bodies, about food, about other people’s bodies and food choices and you knew what you had to do to survive. It makes sense why you did what you did. Your survival depended on your closeness to your family of origin for so long. I see you. I believe you. I understand. It’s ok.”

And now what I’ll tell you is the same. It makes sense where you’ve been AND you have your own origin family you’re building now. One with more loving ideals, inclusive tendencies, and queer mindedness. I’m so proud of you for that. 

I also want you to know that your survival in your marriage, your motherhood, your friendships, etc. is not dependent on your looks anymore. YOU get to decide which rooms to stay in and which ones to leave. When you walk into a room and you’re worried about people looking at you or noticing you’ve gained weight (if that’s even true), remind yourself that you are not 15, 20, or 25 anymore. You are your own family. You will never leave you. Even when your instructor tells everyone to “suck it in” it comes across as if “you’re not good enough the way you are” or “you don’t belong here” and that makes sense, my love. 

Nothing is more true than you being enough and belonging right now. Simply because you ARE. That’s it. It’s ok to want to change. It’s ok to worry. I understand that it doesn’t feel helpful for me to share that anything isn’t ok anymore. Wherever you are, there you are. And that is perfectly ok no matter what that means. 

Don’t suck it in, love. Your body is meant to move and rest and be. As are you, as are we. 

I love you and I’m here. If there’s anything else that comes up that you want to keep talking with me about, I’m always here to listen, learn and share alongside you. 

I love you.