Keep Following Your Nose

Dear Unconditional Love - What would you have me know today?

Oh, honey. I feel you buzzing with caffeine energy. I can really see why you like it. It makes you feel more productive and that makes you feel more reassured, safe, calm. I wonder what you’re afraid of in silence, though. That you might found out even after all the productive things you’ve done to check boxes on your list, that you haven’t done enough? What a fucked up reality that would be. 

I see you hiding from that and it makes sense. Do you spend your time without caffeine noticing all you don’t do? Or do you just feel lazy in your not doing? Oooof, lazy. That’s a tough one for you, I know. You cringe when your mom says, “so are you hardly working today?” and now she’s adapted that to, “I think you work hard when you actually work.” Ew, that feels gross. 

What is it about her tying her own worthiness to productivity that’s so hard for you? Ah, I see. You are still unlearning that. Reparenting in that area of your life. You’re parenting your younger self and you’re parenting Smooshy. The sonogram never showed twins. I know you loved that quote you saw. And it’s so true. You’re doing such hard work to reparent yourself as you parent your Smooshy.

What I see you doing mostly, though, is learning how to follow your own nose again. I’m so proud of you for that. You didn’t for so long. You hustled for so long because that was the family of origin water you were swimming in. Today you followed your nose and found a fucking farm park! Wow! What a treat that was. The more you follow your nose and let go of that icky feeling of not following others’ expectations of yourself, the more magic you’re discovering.

Caffeine or not, my love. Keep following your nose. I’m with your sense of mental smell and we’re cheering you on. We love you.