You Are Not 15
Dear Unconditional Love - What would you have me know about my Zumba experience just now?
Oh, love. Gosh that was so hard, huh? I’m so proud of you for tapping inside yourself to figure out what happened in there. You didn’t feel right. Three times. So you moved. Found a better place. And even still, you questioned your belonging there.
Sometimes it feels like every situation is a metaphor for life, huh? Well, that’s the thing with Earthside School - everything IS life. Every experience you have is connected to another learning of your past. Because that’s how we make connections here. And now that you’ve been here for almost 33 years, you hardly have anything new that isn’t reminiscent of a past experience.
Yesterday I told you to come back and ask me about birthdays. I know you didn’t know why. But I did. I knew you’d go to Zumba, feel the pang of not fitting in and that the reminder of how old you are now would float to the surface as a comfort to you.
You felt like you were 15 back in high school in that class. No where to sit, no room in the popular group, only the bottom of the totem pole open for occupation of your existence. Even just five years ago the triggering Zumba class would’ve sent you into a seemingly never-ending tailspin. But not today.
It’s because of everything that you’ve been through that you were on solid ground today. You could remind yourself “it’s 2024. I am an adult. I’m not 15. I reserved a spot in this class. I deserve to take up space. I get to decide whether I stay or go. I can stay. I can do this.”
And even still, you walked back in and didn’t feel good. And you know now, the doors aren’t locked. You can leave. And leave you did.
Wow what a journey to be here. I’m so proud you.
Back then, freedom was staying for your own survival. And now, freedom is leaving. The doors aren’t locked.
You did it, my love. Happy birthday. I am so proud of you and how far you’ve come. What a gift to yourself today. Enjoy it.
They didn’t push you out, you took the baton and left. Because you’ve been there before. And now you are free. You decide. Way to go babe. I love you.
Happy Birthday, my love. You are so seen and so loved. I love you XOXOX