Brother’s Birthday

Dear Unconditional Love - What would you have me know about my brother and his birthday today?

Hey there, babe. Deep breaths. It’s ok. I’m here. I know this is so hard. I believe you. I know you wish your brother believed you. You wonder if he even knows or cares how hard it is for you not to have him in your life. I’m not sure. Because I only know the depths of your grief and longing, that’s what I’m here for. 

Remember the guy you dated back in 2015 who seemed to have no emotional intelligence at all but said, “I can tell your relationship with your brother bothers you more than you think” and you were so annoyed he was right? How could a total stranger see that, but you couldn’t?

I know it felt easier to pretend that not being close to your brother didn’t hurt as bad as it did then, and I know you feel that way now too. What a hard situation to be in. Wanting to focus on those in front of you and your daily familial needs but also knowing there are two pieces of your family you’re missing every day.

The grief you felt losing Hope feels similar to how you’re feeling without your brother. You wanted to get to know her so badly and you want to know him, too. Have you told him that? It’s ok if you haven’t. It’s ok if you’re scared. It’s also ok to be scared and to keep trying. To ask him what you can do to earn his time back in your life, in your son’s life. I know you don’t want Smooshy to pay for your mistakes, and I know you wish you knew what those were. You know you’re not perfect and that kills you wishing you could’ve been. But honey, that wouldn’t make this all go away. Only repair and time and trust. 

This is hard, and it’s going to be hard for a while and that’s ok. I know you can do hard things. I know you’d rather not, but I know you know what it feels like to be so sick of fucking pretending that you just can’t do it anymore. It makes sense that your brother feels the same way, if he does. Just know he is safe with his own Unconditional Love presence and you are safe with me here. Should it be in the cards for you all to reunite during your time in Earthside School, I Hope you will. If not, I Hope you will make the most of your time here anyways. 

Either way, all you can do is ask. Don’t give up on him. He deserves your fight and your love. I love you honey, I’m here. 

Love,

Love (and Hopey, who is relentless these days. I know you love that about her.)