Perfection Doesn’t Prevent Grief
Dear Unconditional Love - What would you have me know tonight?
Oh, Emmers. Unapologetically sharpening her nails on your couch. It’s infuriating, but you can’t do much about it from the toilet, huh? Gosh babe I know you’re feeling the same way about work right now. You feel helpless. Like you’ve done everything you can but worse, that your hands are handcuffed so all you can do is wait. You know that’s not true, you keep going and you keep trying. But it’s so hard to not hear back from anyone. External or internal. In fact, it fucking sucks. I’m here. Breathe. Pee. Come back to me babe. I’m here. I’m here. It’s ok. It’s going to be ok.
I know you feel like it’s an empty threat right now. You’re impatient because you have bills to pay, I get that. You hate barely having more than your Lauren Lucy money right now because theoretically you’re supposed to be squirreling away extra money just in case what? You get divorced? You have to start over? Well here’s the thing babe. If you hit rock bottom you’ll be starting over metaphorically anyways. You won’t need money, you’ll need time, and deep breaths. I’m not saying you won’t have to pay for things, you will. But the grief you’ll feel isn’t going to be solved by money, get you out of it quicker in any way. I wish I could tell you otherwise.
Right now you could be a phoenix rising from the ashes. How does that make you feel? Insulted? Motivated? I know you don’t want to be ashes, honey. That makes sense. You’ve never wanted to be ashes.
It feels reminiscent of losing Hopey right? You thought you’d done everything you could do in life to be perfect and curate a perfect ending. But turns out, you could be a good person, a hard worker and you still lost your daughter. You are a good person and a hard worker and you’re bottoming out right now. Nothing you do, good or bad, is going to save you from hardship, my love. That is one thing I can promise you. But that’s also good news. Because you can keep going knowing you’ve caused none of it and all of it just by virtue of being here.
I’m with you, you’re with you. And we’re going to make it through this, and everything else until your time in Earthside School is up for that matter. I love you babe, please rest. Tomorrow we fight again. You can do it and you will. I love you.